What's behind your tendency to dismiss positive feedback and what to do about it...
In general, the people who resist positive compliments tend to have low self esteem, and therefore compliments contradict their self-view. But what about people who don't appear to lack confidence and yet are dismissive of compliments? This feels incongruent and awkward to others and they will tend to avoid giving more positive feedback in future.
As a coach, I am always curious about this phenomenon and am aware that it is mostly unconscious. I like to enquire what the intention is behind communicating that positive feedback is not valued and may even be unwelcome. After all, everyone needs to feel appreciated and that their efforts are valued on some level!
Usually the roots of this contradictory behaviour tend to be in early childhood messages about not showing off, boasting or blowing your own trumpet. All are good parental messages to keep our children safe from appearing arrogant and becoming unpopular. However, what happens when these childhood messages are swallowed whole ('introjected' in psychology-speak) and not updated in adulthood? Well, then we might observe this tendency in highly capable and otherwise sensitive people to deflect and rationalise away anything that feels remotely complimentary.
Why it's important to develop the skill of receiving praise?
For one thing, it will help you to accurately identify your strengths and then decide how to enhance them. Rather than thinking "oh well, I don't need to try anymore", people who recognise their peak performing skills tend use them more strategically and to the benefit of others as well.
Furthermore, creating a culture where it feels okay to share strengths is key for psychological safety, a trait demonstrated in the most successful business teams. This is defined by Amy Edmonson of Harvard Business School as "the shared belief held by members of a team that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking" and "the team will not embarrass, reject or punish someone for speaking up". Wouldn't that be great?
What are the costs of deflecting positive feedback?
The costs of this behaviour can be seen in terms of human relationships and also careers. In relating to others this way, if you give a message you don't like compliments then you simply won't get many. People assume that you don't like them and want to avoid making you and themselves uncomfortable. Over time, you may begin to resent the lack of positive feedback from others with little awareness of the reasons, and this creates confusion and disharmony in otherwise positive relationships.
At work, if you give the message that positive feedback will be instantly dismissed, colleagues will avoid being put in this uncomfortable position. Worse still, others may receive the praise for your efforts and you may be overlooked for promotion in favour of those who are able to take in appreciation and feel valued by others. People may label it as "false modesty", especially when this characteristic doesn't fit with what they know of you generally.
At a subconscious level, people who don't know you well may assume that you have low self esteem as this is the usual reason why people avoid compliments, and this may affect your opportunities. Often those who don't seem to hear compliments appear to be more focused on the negative, as if they are waiting for the killer blow criticism which they anticipate will follow the sweetener. And where a senior manager is not gracious and comfortable with receiving positive feedback, their reports may get the message that it's not ok to give or accept positive feedback either.
This explains how a reluctance to give and receive positive feedback becomes more of a systemic or cultural issue, and can affect families across generations and whole organisations.
Through coaching we can raise awareness and gain understanding of the true origins of an individual's behaviour, and then find strategies to gently challenge and change the behaviour. It's not about becoming entirely different overnight - that would be shocking to ourselves as well as others.
Accepting positive feedback is a skill - and you can learn it!
If you relate to this phenomenon, here are a few things you can try next time you receive positive feedback.
Now take the results of your research to your coach or a trusted friend or colleague, so that you can continue to develop a new way of being around compliments and learn how to use positive feedback to your advantage.
Good luck and enjoy being appreciated!
As a coach, I am always curious about this phenomenon and am aware that it is mostly unconscious. I like to enquire what the intention is behind communicating that positive feedback is not valued and may even be unwelcome. After all, everyone needs to feel appreciated and that their efforts are valued on some level!
Usually the roots of this contradictory behaviour tend to be in early childhood messages about not showing off, boasting or blowing your own trumpet. All are good parental messages to keep our children safe from appearing arrogant and becoming unpopular. However, what happens when these childhood messages are swallowed whole ('introjected' in psychology-speak) and not updated in adulthood? Well, then we might observe this tendency in highly capable and otherwise sensitive people to deflect and rationalise away anything that feels remotely complimentary.
Why it's important to develop the skill of receiving praise?
For one thing, it will help you to accurately identify your strengths and then decide how to enhance them. Rather than thinking "oh well, I don't need to try anymore", people who recognise their peak performing skills tend use them more strategically and to the benefit of others as well.
Furthermore, creating a culture where it feels okay to share strengths is key for psychological safety, a trait demonstrated in the most successful business teams. This is defined by Amy Edmonson of Harvard Business School as "the shared belief held by members of a team that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking" and "the team will not embarrass, reject or punish someone for speaking up". Wouldn't that be great?
What are the costs of deflecting positive feedback?
The costs of this behaviour can be seen in terms of human relationships and also careers. In relating to others this way, if you give a message you don't like compliments then you simply won't get many. People assume that you don't like them and want to avoid making you and themselves uncomfortable. Over time, you may begin to resent the lack of positive feedback from others with little awareness of the reasons, and this creates confusion and disharmony in otherwise positive relationships.
At work, if you give the message that positive feedback will be instantly dismissed, colleagues will avoid being put in this uncomfortable position. Worse still, others may receive the praise for your efforts and you may be overlooked for promotion in favour of those who are able to take in appreciation and feel valued by others. People may label it as "false modesty", especially when this characteristic doesn't fit with what they know of you generally.
At a subconscious level, people who don't know you well may assume that you have low self esteem as this is the usual reason why people avoid compliments, and this may affect your opportunities. Often those who don't seem to hear compliments appear to be more focused on the negative, as if they are waiting for the killer blow criticism which they anticipate will follow the sweetener. And where a senior manager is not gracious and comfortable with receiving positive feedback, their reports may get the message that it's not ok to give or accept positive feedback either.
This explains how a reluctance to give and receive positive feedback becomes more of a systemic or cultural issue, and can affect families across generations and whole organisations.
Through coaching we can raise awareness and gain understanding of the true origins of an individual's behaviour, and then find strategies to gently challenge and change the behaviour. It's not about becoming entirely different overnight - that would be shocking to ourselves as well as others.
Accepting positive feedback is a skill - and you can learn it!
If you relate to this phenomenon, here are a few things you can try next time you receive positive feedback.
- Take a couple of nice deep breaths to ground yourself and stay present with the other person.- Push away the impulse to play it down or dismiss the compliment.
- Remind yourself you worked hard to achieve on that particular task.
- If it helps, you can also acknowledge the help of a colleague that contributed to the success.
- Thank the other and allow the feedback to become a conversation point so you can gather data that's useful, whilst also allowing yourself to assess the validity of the feedback - if you agree with it that helps to change the pattern of dismissing feedback.
- Ask a question in response to the feedback, so that you can understand it better. Don't worry if it feels strange at first, change always does.
eg: "Thank you, coming from you that means a lot to me. Can you say a bit more? For instance, in what way you have noticed me doing that well?" - Allow pauses and let the other elaborate and interject, so that it becomes a dialogue.
- Make eye contact, smile and use facial expressiveness to show you're interested.
- With practice, notice how the positive words are gradually getting through and feeling good inside, and allow the warmth to soften your exterior armoured protection against compliments!
- Notice how the other warmly responds and enjoys the connection! If this is uncomfortable for you, there's a clue as to what is being avoided.
- Let others know how you prefer to receive feedback, for instance some people hate to be pounced on for impromptu feedback or singled out for praise in a town hall meeting.
Now take the results of your research to your coach or a trusted friend or colleague, so that you can continue to develop a new way of being around compliments and learn how to use positive feedback to your advantage.
Good luck and enjoy being appreciated!