Reality Checking – or, Clarifying the Known Facts
EXAMPLES of unchecked facts:
The RISKS of letting our assumptions decide what we think and how we act are that we may:
Here are some FACTS worth reminding ourselves:
How to Reality Test:
BREATHE DEEPLY AND ASK A QUESTIONS TO GET THE FACTS YOU NEED TO BE CLEAR
This works if you are testing your own thoughts, for instance:
“Is she really annoyed with me, or am I just assuming that?”
“Is it true that I should have tried harder, or was I doing my best?”
It can often help us to discover another person’s thoughts. You can ask:
“I think what you are saying is… “
“Can I just check I heard this right?” “Is this what you mean? [paraphrase]”
Tips:
Once you feel you’ve made progress at reality checking , it would be interesting to notice if
Depending on what you discover, it might be helpful to reflect with your coach on what purpose it may have served you to be:
Both are likely to have served as unconscious defences, probably put in place at an early age. For instance
- It’s all my fault – it’s all your fault
- Always and never statements, and all-or-nothing thinking
- Generalising outcomes across situations, especially worst case scencarios
- Comparing, which is a sign the super-ego or inner critic is at work.
The RISKS of letting our assumptions decide what we think and how we act are that we may:
- decide I made an error – leading to shame, guilt, embarrassment and a self critic attack
- decide you made an error – leading to anger, resentment, contempt and a shift in the relationship.
Here are some FACTS worth reminding ourselves:
- We humans are still not any good at telepathy
- Even when we ask, people may not tell us what they really think
- Language is limited in its capacity to convey concepts in a way others will understand our exact meaning
- Our intentions are not always obvious to others, and vice versa
- Misunderstandings can cause hurt
- Misunderstandings can usually be repaired, if we are willing.
How to Reality Test:
BREATHE DEEPLY AND ASK A QUESTIONS TO GET THE FACTS YOU NEED TO BE CLEAR
This works if you are testing your own thoughts, for instance:
“Is she really annoyed with me, or am I just assuming that?”
“Is it true that I should have tried harder, or was I doing my best?”
It can often help us to discover another person’s thoughts. You can ask:
“I think what you are saying is… “
“Can I just check I heard this right?” “Is this what you mean? [paraphrase]”
Tips:
- Respect and honour your feelings – your feelings are your feelings and are never wrong
- Don’t take responsibility for another’s feelings. You can respect their feelings are theirs, without feeling guilty or to blame for them.
Once you feel you’ve made progress at reality checking , it would be interesting to notice if
- You are less self critical and less often feeling the pain of shame and guilt
- You judge others less harshly.
Depending on what you discover, it might be helpful to reflect with your coach on what purpose it may have served you to be:
- self blaming
- blame others.
Both are likely to have served as unconscious defences, probably put in place at an early age. For instance
- If I blame myself then I can improve myself, and then this painful blame feeling will stop (didn’t work too well, did it!)
Also I don’t want to feel that the other person is wrong, so it must be me! – Children tend to think their parents are right, so they must be wrong. - If I blame him/her, then I get to feel innocent, self justified, hard done by. This is also a child’s tendency, to help make sense of their world, however as adults this can lead to a victim position.